But I Didn't Mean To- Microaggressions

Cassandra james, dei manager

Pop Quiz: Which comment is a compliment, and which one is a microaggression?
“Your English is so good.”
“You look so good for your age.”
“Come on now, we all have some disability.”

Sorry but it’s a trick question because they are all microaggressions.  How may you ask? What even is a microaggression? Microaggressions are defined as the everyday, subtle, intentional — and oftentimes unintentional — interactions or behaviors that communicate some sort of bias toward historically marginalized groups.1 Microaggression was first used around 1970 by Harvard psychiatrist, Dr. Chester Pierce. Dr. Pierce used this term to describe the regular insults and dismissals he witnessed people who were non-Black using against people who were Black.
Let’s walk through each of these “compliments” and dissect how they are microaggressions.

Your English is so good.
This microaggression relies on the premise that the person you are talking to couldn’t be an American because they look foreign or exotic.  It’s similar to the “but where are you from FROM?” question.  It’s a way to other someone and make them feel as if they are a perpetual visitor. America is a salad (not a melting pot), so we come in all shapes, and flavors, so there’s no way to assume you know where a person is from, based on their perceived identity. 

You look so good for your age.
I heard this one recently and let me tell you, I didn’t appreciate it one bit. It may seem as if you are paying someone a compliment, but what you are saying is that you only expect people of a certain age to retain their beauty and youthfulness. It’s also something that’s very rarely said to men, so in addition to being ageist, it also has a smattering of sexism. You may notice that in Hollywood, women of a certain age are made to play grandmothers, and people who are past their prime, while you have Sean Connery playing a sex symbol at 69. We can all look our best regardless of our ages. Age doesn’t equate to beauty, so next time you see a pretty woman, just compliment her. No need to even mention her age.

Come on now, we all have some disability.
You may be saying this to connect, to form a bond, but it can come of as dismissive. Each person has their own feelings and experiences around their disability, so to equate yours with theirs can be disingenuous and impersonal. There are different ways to connect with someone without participating in the oppression Olympics. We may all experience life’s stresses, but not in the same way.
We’ve all said something that led us to make the Homer Simpson face.




​

​

​It doesn’t have to be the end of the world. If someone brings it to your attention that what you said didn’t land the way you thought it would. If they ask you “what do you mean by that”, it might be tempting to deflect and downplay it, but don’t. Hear them out. They are giving you a gift of correction. It can be hard and ego bruising, but in that moment it’s not about you. We’ve all been there, and we’ll all be there. Just take it in and try to do better next time.
​
Watch this video for a visual description of microaggressions
​

---