What Do You Mean It's Not About Me?!

cassandra james, dei manager

“Where’s International Men’s Day?” “If there was a White Entertainment Television network, imagine the uproar.” “Why do I need to put my pronouns in my email?” “All this wokeness is getting out of hand.” “Women of all colors experience the carnage of men of all colors. It’s not about race, it’s about MEN BEHAVING BADLY. Women should UNITE.” Instead of discussing the reasons that we have Woman’s History Month, Black Entertainment Television, Pride Month, or breaking down feminism into its many forms, it’s easier to ask, “why don’t I have it”.  The reasons behind those observances are not something that many people are comfortable talking about, so instead they deflect and make it about themselves. To make progress, it is important that we decenter ourselves, so we can have those difficult conversations. When I was in a college level Woman’s Studies class I got into an argument with a classmate on the topic of patriarchy. I mentioned that as a Black woman, I have a different relationship to the patriarchy from her as a white woman. She wanted me to negate my race, to focus on my sex. She was centering herself and her experience with the patriarchy as the only one that held value. The conversation was very unproductive. If she had just taken a pause, decentered herself, and let me speak, she could have seen my perspective.
Decentering yourself can involve shifting your perspective and looking outside your lived experience. What does that look like in practice? 

​Listen to understand – take in all the information before you form an opinion      
Ask open ended questions - Before you make assumptions about what is being communated, be inquistive and ask questions that allows the person to elaborate
Stop derailing the conversation – don’t lead the conversation with “what about”.  It won’t do anything but shut down communication.
Sit in discomfort – Try not to conflate being uncomfortable with being unsafe. While you may be uncomfortable, you are in no danger.
 Practice silence – there are times when the best thing you can do is stay quiet and reflect.
Create space – Allowing others to have their voice heard, allows you to take a step back and learn.